新加坡狮城论坛

12下一页
返回列表 发帖 付费广告
查看: 2619|回复: 19

Something about love from my Armore friend

[复制链接]
发表于 27-8-2004 14:08:14|来自:新加坡 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
Most of us love to hear the word "love."
And often we love to say the word "love."
"I love you. He loves me. They love us."

It can bring us feelings of warmth, of caring,
        of security, of specialness, of reassurance.

But underneath the veneer of love
        often lie hidden and toxic assumptions
        that can rise up unexpectedly, playing havoc
        with our feelings of affection for each other
        and damaging our relationships.

Assumptions like these:
        "If you love me, you will lend me money."
                (For each of these examples, consider also its mirror image,
                        e.g., "If I love you, I will lend you money.")
        "If you love me, you will never have sex with anyone else."
        "If you love me, you will do as I suggest."
        "If you love me, you will not love anyone else."
        "If you love me, you will never leave me no matter what
I do."
        "If you love me, you will cook for me."
        "If you love me, you will have sex with me."
        "If you love me, you will have my children."
        "If you love me, you will earn money for me."
        "If you love me, you will pay attention to me whenever I
want."
        "If you love me, you will bail me out of jail."
        "If you love me, you will take care of me when I get old."
        "If you love me, you will not move out of the house."
        "If you love me, you will say 'yes' to me."
        "If you love me, you will never lie to me."

        "If you love me, you will never divorce me."
        "If you love me, your love must be forever
                or it is not true love."
        And so on.

When we package our love (and others' love for us)
        with these hidden assumptions,
        we prevent ourselves
        from ever experiencing the joy of unencumbered love.

Why do we do this?
Why do we create these "package deals"?

Answer:
        to avoid the fear we would feel
        if we clarified and asserted both our boundaries
        and/or our minimum conditions of satisfaction
        for a given relationship.
        By creating boundaries, we let go of
                trying to control with our love
                or trying to prove our love for another
                or trying to prove another's love for us.

If you choose courage
        not to lend money to someone,
        it doesn't mean that you don't love that person.
If you choose courage
        to move out of your parents' home,
        it doesn't mean that you don't love your parents.
If you choose courage
        to go against a loved one's wishes (or commands),
        it doesn't mean that you don't love that person.
And so on.

Yet, it is necessary and appropriate        
        (especially for maintaining our experience of love) to have
        clear (and sometimes seemingly unloving) boundaries
        and/or to have minimum conditions of satisfaction
        for each of our relationships.

Examples:
        "For me to be willing to set appointments with you,
                you must generally show up on time."
                (It does not necessarily mean that I don't love you
                if I am no longer willing to set appointments with you.)
        "For me to stay married to you,
                you must generally treat me with respect
                and I can tell you how that would look."
                (It does not necessarily mean I don't love you
                if I am no longer willing to be married to you.)
        "For me to remain living in your house,
                you must allow me to live my own life,
                as long as I don't disturb the household."
                (It does not necessarily mean I don't love you
                if I choose to move out of the house.)
        "For me to lend money to you,
                I require a written agreement
                with your car as collateral."
                (It does not necessarily mean I don't love you
                because these are my conditions for the loan.)
        "If you have sex with another person,
                then I will no longer have sex with you."
                (It does not necessarily mean I don't love you
                because I would not have sex with you
                because you had sex with another.)
        And so on.

Can you begin to see how you can free up
        both your experience of love from others
        and your expression of love to them?

What courage might you choose right now
        to clarify and assert your boundaries
        and your minimum conditions of satisfaction
        so that you can experience your love fully
        and others can more easily love you?


********************************************
发表于 27-8-2004 17:40:48|来自:新加坡 | 显示全部楼层
小狮租房
<P>People just usually get mistaken and confused when DIL(deep in love) even though we matured adult, so...</P>
回复 支持 反对

使用道具 举报

发表于 29-8-2004 02:16:08|来自:新加坡 | 显示全部楼层
ai...no one are rational in deep in love...maybe we get pain in love then we will know how to solve problem in future...
回复 支持 反对

使用道具 举报

发表于 29-8-2004 22:54:23|来自:新加坡 | 显示全部楼层
U r rationale, sensible now...
回复 支持 反对

使用道具 举报

发表于 30-8-2004 01:05:44|来自:新加坡 | 显示全部楼层
yup..i know what is your implication...so you see..haha
回复 支持 反对

使用道具 举报

发表于 30-8-2004 12:35:10|来自:新加坡 | 显示全部楼层
so what? a lot of ppl are rational now! ahaha...
回复 支持 反对

使用道具 举报

发表于 30-8-2004 14:07:37|来自:新加坡 | 显示全部楼层
Hmm。。。Not a very good sign...
回复 支持 反对

使用道具 举报

发表于 30-8-2004 17:12:31|来自:新加坡 | 显示全部楼层
but in fact rational persons are much less than the not ones! so the love tragedies are still so many...the world are polluted.....
回复 支持 反对

使用道具 举报

发表于 31-8-2004 14:09:42|来自:新加坡 | 显示全部楼层
<P>No more "love"</P>
回复 支持 反对

使用道具 举报

发表于 1-9-2004 01:13:09|来自:新加坡 | 显示全部楼层
love is the greatest stuff in human being!!
回复 支持 反对

使用道具 举报

发表回复

您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册会员 新浪微博登陆

本版积分规则

联系客服 关注微信 下载APP 小程序 返回顶部 返回列表